


Living in a Fairy Tale

by Lirianis



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fairy Tale, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crack, F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi, Out of Character, Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-12
Updated: 2019-10-16
Packaged: 2020-12-13 19:17:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21002819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lirianis/pseuds/Lirianis
Summary: Harry just wanted to live a quiet life, but that can be harder than it seems living in a fairy tale.





	1. Cinderharry

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Viviendo en un cuento de hadas](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20998787) by [Lirianis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lirianis/pseuds/Lirianis). 

> Originally published on the Spanish site Slasheaven between the years 2008 and 2009.
> 
> Translated and published on AO3 with minimal corrections in 2019.

Let me tell you a tale. It's the story of a boy who only dreamed of living a quiet and happy life but, due to circumstance and fate, had to embark in an adventure and become a hero. After all, what did he expect to happen when he was living in a fairy tale?

Once upon a time, a long time ago, there was a very distant land which may or may not have existed. It was a place where everything was possible and magic was just another force of nature. People lived peacefully, never reacting with shock if they saw a witch flying on a broom or if a mysterious man offered them a handful of beans in exchange for their cow.

Our tale begins on a sunny summer afternoon in the garden of a small cottage, with our protagonist hanging the laundry out to dry. Harry Potter was a very thin boy, and too short for his age. He had messy black hair and his green eyes were hidden behind old, ugly glasses. The cottage belonged to his aunt and uncle, Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, with whom Harry had lived since his parents' death. Aunt Petunia liked to brag about how Harry's parents had been murdered by a dark wizard who wanted to get rid of them because of a prophecy, but Harry suspected that was just an invention from Petunia that she used to impress her friends. In any case, the boy was an orphan and there was nobody else who could take care of him, so his aunt, uncle, and cousin all took advantage of the situation and treated him like a servant. His cousin Dudley even went as far as to call him by the incredibly unoriginal name of Cinderharry.

Fortunately Harry wasn't entirely alone, since his best friend Sirius went everywhere with him. Sirius was a big black dog that was, at the moment, sleeping by the door. He didn't react at all when a hooded figure exited the forest and approached the cottage. Upon arriving to the fence, the suspicious figure stopped and called out:

"Hey, boy! You didn't happen to see a gorgeous brunet who looks like he's running from an assassin, did you?"

"Nope. I'm sorry that I can't be of more h-- Wait! Are you the assassin he's running from?"

"I... ah..." the man, because the figure had a man's voice, began twisting his hands nervously. "I... No! Of course not! I'm not an assassin! The truth is that I... uh... I'm trying to find him to give him these invitations for the royal ball! Yeah, that's it."

Harry studied the hooded man, who now held some papers in his hand and trembled subtly.

"Suuuure... Sirius, attack!"

The black dog tackled the man and started growling with his muzzle right by the man's face.

"Good doggie," whimpered the assassin. "Don't bite me, there's a good boy. Don't bite old Wormtail... I knew this job wasn't right for me!"

"Why do you want to kill that guy?"

"It's not that I want to kill him, it's the boss who wants him dead. I work as an assassin for Lord Voldemort, the king of the neighbouring country."

"And why does Voldemort want him dead?"

"Well... It's a long story. When Lord Voldemort killed our king and took over the throne, he married a powerful dark witch to help him control us. The problem is that they had a falling out and she turned him into a half snake half human monster before leaving. Now he has no power to control us, but he's so pitiful that we just play along with his fantasies. I'm in charge of enforcing the 'Evil Queen Law', a fairly standard law which says that everyone who's prettier than Lord Voldemort should be executed. That's the reason I was chasing that boy, but I lost him after he crossed the border."

"Well, if he crossed the border doesn't that mean your kingdom's laws don't apply anymore to him?" asked Harry, feeling slightly sympathetic towards the obviously useless assassin.

"I wish! Figuring something like this might happen, Lord Voldemort added the 'Heart Clause' to the law. If I don't bring the boy's heart back with me they won't let me back into my country!"

"Mm... I know! Why don't you do that thing from the papers?" when he realized that Wormtail didn't know what he was talking about, Harry explained: "Yeah, you know, the Snow White thing! Her would-be assassin hunted down a wild boar and gave its heart to his queen telling her it was Snow White's. If it wasn't for her magic mirror she wouldn't have known the difference."

"That could work! Voldemort doesn't have any magic mirrors!" the now cheered up assassin stretched the hand holding the papers towards Harry. "Here, as a thank you for your help I'll give you these tickets for the royal ball. Some weird old man gave them to me in the forest but I don't need them."

Harry watched Wormtail walk into the forest until he couldn't see him anymore, and then looked down towards the papers in his hand. There were four of them, and each one had a different name written on it: Vernon, Petunia, Dudley, and Harry.

"So weird! It's like somebody invited us to the royal ball."

-_-_-

In a forest clearing a gorgeous brunet who looks like he's running from an assassin knocked on the door of a crooked wooden house.

"Hello? Is anyone there?"

A sign affixed to the front of the house announced to anyone who could read that the name of the place was 'The Burrow'. A handwritten addition a little bit lower added: 'We're at work'.

Starving and exhausted, 'Gorgeous brunet who looks like he's running from an assassin' entered the house and hoped with all his might that the owners would be understanding and forgive his breaking and entering. He could always try to use his tragic story to soften their hearts, although that strategy could backfire and they could decide to deliver him to Lord Voldemort for a bounty. And, with the way the house looked, they definitely could do with a bounty.

_Well, I'll worry about it when the moment comes._ He thought, mentally shrugging as he made himself a sandwich.

-_-_-

In another forest clearing, inside the highest room of a large stone tower, a princess named Pansy slept the years away as she waited to be rescued by her prince charming. Nobody knew the reason why she had been cursed or even who had done it. The only thing anybody knew for sure was that a ferocious dragon guarded her zealously, which explained why nobody had tried to rescue her yet.

-_-_-

In another forest clearing, in a cheerful little cottage, an old lady was writing a letter to her daughter, telling her that she was ill and thus couldn't go to the market to buy supplies.

_'... so I was wondering if you could send my much beloved granddaughter Hermione with some food for me. It's been so long since I last saw her! By the way, tell her to wear that lovely red hood I sent her for Christmas, would you? You know it's a family heirloom. And remind her to wear sturdy boots in case it rains, and to follow the path without taking any shortcuts. Do also make sure she brings some of that lovely bread with walnuts and raisins that I enjoyed so much last time. And please tell her to study hard, and to wash her teeth thoroughly, and to not start fights, and to listen to her teachers, and to avoid talking to strangers, and...'_

That's to say, the typical letter from a grandmother.

-_-_-

In another forest clea-- sorry, my bad. At the royal palace:

"But Mother, I don't want to go!"

"Stop complaining, Draco. Saturday's ball is one of the most important events of the year and you must attend it."

"Your mother is right, Draco. Your duty as the prince and only heir to the Crown is to find a bride and produce offspring."

"But I'm gay! G-A-Y! I like boys, darn it!"

"What does that have to do with anything? You don't think I actually like your mother, do you?"

"Your father is right. The most important thing is to find you a good queen and produce an heir; afterwards you can always live separate lives. And if you like men... then you can get yourself a 'personal assistant' or a 'royal advisor' like your father."

"Mother! You can't mean that Father and Severus...! And you don't care?"

"Well, it's not as if she doesn't have her own 'private seer', is it?"

"Sybill?!"

"You have to admit it makes more sense that thinking we hired her for her 'gifted Sight'."

-_-_-

In the middle of the forest, but this time not on a clearing, Wormtail the assassin was thinking: _I never knew that hunting a wild boar could be so difficult. I wonder if my lord would notice the difference if I bring him the heart of that dead pigeon over there._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will Harry and the Dursleys attend the ball? And who was the old man who gave the invitations to Wormtail?
> 
> Will 'Gorgeous brunet who looks like he's running from an assassin' find refuge in The Burrow? How will the owners of the place feel about his invasion? And will we ever find out his name or will we have to keep calling him 'Gorgeous brunet etc.'?
> 
> Who will dare fight against the dragon to rescue princess Pansy? And who cursed her and locked her in the tower?
> 
> Will Hermione really have to travel through the forest wearing a red riding hood? And is it really necessary for her grandmother to tell her to study?
> 
> Will prince Draco find a bride at the ball?
> 
> Will Wormtail be dumb enough to try and trick Lord Voldemort with the heart of a pigeon?
> 
> What's the exact size of that forest and just how many clearings does it contain?
> 
> Will Lirianis keep asking questions until her keyboard breaks or will she stop some day so that we can leave a comment?  
(Subliminal messages? I don't know what you're talking about. ^___^)


	2. Harryet?

Petunia Dursley and her son Dudley were riding in their brand new white carriage back home. Petunia had spent the afternoon drinking tea and biscuits with her friends as their children played with the house elves (that is to say, they amused themselves tormenting the poor things). As the carriage took the last curve and approached their cottage, Mrs. Dursley caught sight of her nephew Harry sitting on a garden bench reading quietly whilst his dog Sirius slept at his feet.

_That boy is so boring!_, she thought displeased. _He's almost as boring as those dull parents of his, who managed to even die in a boring way. Thankfully I made up that story about the dark wizard and the prophecy; I don't know what I would do if anyone ever found out my sister and her husband died of pneumonia. Such a vulgar and out of fashion death! And that filthy black dog! That beast does nothing but sleep all day! I wish it would have died alongside the boy's parents but nooo... Lily, same as always, had to burden me with her son and her useless mutt on top of that. You can only tell it's there if you trip over its body, at mealtimes, and on full moon nights when it howls like the world is ending._

When the carriage reached the cottage, Harry stood up and went to greet his aunt and cousin.

"Good evening, aunt Pe--"

"Yes, yes," interrupted the woman impatiently gesturing with her hand. "Did you start making dinner already? You know your uncle wants everything to be ready when he gets home, and I won't have my baby boy starving because of a lazy brat like you."

"Dinner will be ready by the time uncle Vernon arrives," _as always_, added Harry silently. _It's been over seven years since the last time Dinner was late, but you just don't care about that._ "I was waiting out here for you so I could give you this. Earlier today a man came by and..."

Petunia wasn't listening to her nephew; she had forgotten about him, and Vernon, and Dudley, and dinner. She could barely remember that she was a lady and ladies shouldn't jump and dance as they shout: "Invites for the royal ball! I have invitations to the royal ball! I'm going to the royal ball!"

Of course, after that afternoon's chat with her friends...

_Inside a large room filled with so many doilies and shades of pink that it seemed like it had been designed by the Crochet and Needlework Association in collaboration with the Barbie Brigade, six women were sitting in comfortable sofas (pink, of course). Each of them had a teacup in their hand, and some were nibbling on tiny cakes from the coffee table (yes, covered in doilies, obviously); but deep down all the ladies knew that they hadn't been meeting for twelve years just for tea. The real purpose behind these meetings was exchanging gossip, and the main subject that afternoon was the royal ball._

_"Saturday's ball is going to be the most important event of the year."_

_"You're right. I'd give anything to go!"_

_"Yeah, you and everyone else. But only the richest and most influential families are ever invited to these parties."_

_"And this year everyone wants to go because they say the royal family is looking for a bride for the prince."_

_"Oh, if only my Darling Laura could be there! Imagine being the mother of the future queen!"_

_After that comment the ladies looked at each other thinking that if 'Darling Laura' attended the ball, the prince would run away screaming terrified and keep going until he fell down a cliff and cracked his head open. All of them except for Laura's mother, of course, who instead kept daydreaming about her daughter's bright future._

_"To tell the truth, the prince always seemed a little bit girly to me."_

_"That's because he is elegant and delicate, like all well-mannered noble boys."_

_The rest of the group looked at each other once more, this time thinking that their friend was only saying that because her son was gayer than an interior decorator practicing figure skating holding a pink poodle in his arms. Although it was probably a good thing that she was in denial, since her son might actually have a chance at getting the prince, unlike poor 'Darling Laura'._

_"Ha! That's because the prince takes after his father, and he's more of a queen than a king. The apple didn't fall far from the tree there."_

_"True, true. And the queen is more of a man than him. Plus she's the one who rules the country while he has fun with his 'royal advisor'."_

_"That greasy bat?!"_

_"Oh, come on, dear. Don't tell me you didn't know about it."_

_"Those royals are all a bunch of degenerates!"_

_"In any case, the prince still needs to marry and produce heirs."_

_"Oh, if only my Darling Laura could be there! And I would become the mother of the future queen!"_

Indeed, becoming the mother of the future queen. And now Petunia held in her hands the means to achieve that goal: tickets for the royal ball... and a plan. A plan which included a lovely pink dress covered in frills and bows, a curly blond wig, and her beloved Dudders. _If the prince is looking for a wife, I will give her one. And I will be the mother of the future queen!_

Harry shivered in fear when he saw his aunt's plotting smile. It was clear that Petunia had had an idea, and that usually spelled problems for him. Oh, how he longed for a quiet and simple life!

-_-_-

"It won't work, Petunia," said Mr. Dursley when his wife explained her master plan after dinner.

"Vernon, do you have no faith in your son's beauty?" she asked in a voice which promised pain if he gave the wrong answer. "Dudley is the handsomest boy in the world and with a little bit of help he will be the prettiest girl at the ball."

"I'm not talking about that, Pet. I know Dudders will look stunning, but the problem is that these invitations have our names written in them and 'Dudley' is not a girl's name. As soon as anyone sees his invite the ruse will be over."

"Then he can use my invite."

"And how will you get in, then? Dudley will need you to help him behave like a proper young lady. Our boy is so masculine that he won't be able to do it without you."

"Mmm..." Petunia studied all four invites. "I know! He can use Harry's!"

"Uh... my love..." called Mr. Dursley softly. "'Harry' is also a boy's name."

"Don't be silly, Vernon! I know 'Harry' is a boy's name, it's just that his invitation won't say 'Harry' but 'Harryet'."

"But Mom, does that mean HE will be using my invite?" asked Dudley as if afraid that his cousin would stain his name.

"Of course not, Diddums. He won't go to the ball at all," answered Petunia sweetly. "After all, we want to charm the prince, not scare him away."

"Right. And you, boy," Vernon turned towards Harry and pointed menacingly at him. "You'd better not complain and obey. We already do more than enough for you and I will not put up with any whining, you useless lump."

_A whole night free of you? Having the house to myself? Without screams, or commands, or having to see your ugly mugs? I'm willing to sew Dudley's whole dress on my own if that's what it takes for you to go!_ Despite his inner monologue Harry pretended to pout. He couldn't risk looking too happy and making his relatives think that he was up to something, or they might find a way to ruin his night.

Now that every possible wrinkle in Petunia's plan had been smoothed, the preparations for the ball could begin.

-_-_-

In the royal palace the preparations for the ball were also progressing at a nice pace, never mind what the prince thought about it. Draco had tried to convince his mother multiple times that he didn't want to marry, but queen Narcissa always replied: "I don't care about what you want, Draco. You are the prince and you need to marry. Full stop." Then she would leave grumbling: "This is all because of Lucius. He keeps giving in to all of Draco's whims and he has turned him into an spoiled brat."

Since Draco knew his mother was right, he decided to change tactics and go beg his father for mercy. That's the reason he had approached the king just as he was about to enter his private rooms. The problem was that Draco didn't know that his mother, guessing that he'd go make puppy dog eyes at his father, had already talked to Lucius and threatened to send Severus to some remote embassy if he gave in to their son's demands.

"I said no! I can't talk to your mother on your behalf. Not this time, Draco. You have to get married and that's it."

"But Father..." the prince put on his most pitiful pout, the one he reserved for the most desperate situations.

"Draco... don't make that face, son..." beg the king. "My little angel, I... I can't... I shouldn't... your mother..."

Draco smiled inwardly. His father's will was about to crumble. But then...

"Lulu, darling!" called a voice from the king's bedroom. "If you don't come quick the ice cream is going to melt and we won't be able to play!"

After a few seconds of embarrassed silence between father and son, Draco reacted:

"Was that Severus?! Father!"

"Don't look at me with such a judgmental face. I am a grown man and I have a right to a private life."

"You are a MARRIED man. You should only have that sort of 'private life' with Mother," answered Draco angrily. "And anyway... What the hell do you see in Severus?"

"Well... he is..."

"Never mind!" interrupted the prince when he noticed his father's face was turning red. "Since it seems that you aren't willing to listen to me, I'll be in my room."

-_-_-

A small, tan owl flew out of a tiny cottage in a forest clearing. It rose slowly, enjoying the night as it weaved between the trees. As it passed over a crooked wooden house, a terrified scream startled it so much that it almost dropped to the ground.

"Noooooo! Don't hand me over to Lord Voldemort, I beg you!"

"Fred! George! Stop scaring the poor boy!" came another shout, this one even louder. "You always end up embarrassing me in front of the visits!"

The owl hurried away from that madhouse and continued on its way until...

*FWOOSH!* (sound of a fire burst)

The poor owl avoided by a hair's breadth (or a feather's breadth, I guess) getting barbecued by a sudden gust of flame. A huge dragon covered in green scales which served to camouflage it against the trees almost perfectly, had its glowing red eyes focused on the owl as it tried desperately to catch it. Flying as fast as it could, the owl escaped the area, the dreadful beast, and the tower it seemed to protect.

As it flew away, the owl passed by a man who looked like he was thinking: _What about an owl heart? Could I pass it off as human?_ The bird, which hadn't surrendered to a dragon and wasn't about to surrender to a complete idiot, started pecking the man's head to dispel any weird ideas that he could be considering. Then it continued its journey.

When the owl finally arrived in the village, it flew straight towards a building with a 'tooth-puller' sign on the door. As soon as Mrs. Granger untied the letter attached to the bird's leg, the poor animal left never to return. That forest was far too dangerous to remain there.

"Hermione, darling! I'm afraid you'll have to take some food to your grandmother. She is ill and can't come to the village. She asked me to remind you about that bread with walnuts and raisins that she likes so much. And also that you shouldn't take any shortcut whilst you are in the forest. She also says that you should study hard, and that you should wash behind your ears, and--"

"And does she say anything that's truly important?" asked the girl annoyed. Her grandmother's letters were all the same and she was sick of them.

"Yes, she wants you to wear that red riding hood she gifted you for Christmas."

"You can't be serious!" Hermione exclaimed incredulously.

"I'm afraid so, honey. You know your grandma."

"Right, because being the granddaughter of famous Little Red Riding Hood isn't bad enough already; now she wants me to wear that darn hood myself! Do you know what the kids at school call me? Little Red Hermione Hood! It doesn't even make sense, but they keep making jokes about it! I HATE THE COLOUR RED!!!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will Petunia's plan work? Will Dudley seduce Draco?
> 
> Will Draco listen to his mother or will he try to shrug off his princely duties?
> 
> Will 'Gorgeous brunet who looks like he's running from an assassin' stay with the Weasleys or will we have to start calling him 'Gorgeous brunet who looks like he's running from an assassin and the Weasley twins'?
> 
> Will Wormtail manage to catch a wild boar? Or something? Even if it's just a common cold?
> 
> Am I the only one who thinks Hermione is acting a bit too dramatic?
> 
> In a beauty pageant, who would be the first one to make the judges tear their own eyes out? 'Darling Laura' or Dudley in a frilly pink dress?
> 
> And most important of all...
> 
> "Will Sirius remain asleep for the rest of the fic or will he do anything important at all?"
> 
> "Sirius! Don't interrupt me when I'm narrating!"
> 
> "Then give me something to do! Don't you see my hordes of fans are clamoring for my presence?"
> 
> "Those aren't real people, they're just dummies."
> 
> "Well, that's what you will have to use to play my part if you don't give me some action, because I'm out."
> 
> "Fiiiiiine, no need to get angry. In the next chapter I'll turn you into a human, how about that?"
> 
> "Fine, in that case I'll let you finish."
> 
> "Thank you."
> 
> And in the next chapter: an old man wearing a tutu!
> 
> "And Sirius Black!"


	3. I'm Your 'Fairy Godfather'

Saturday finally arrived, and with it the most awaited event of the season: the royal ball!

In the Dursleys home everyone was very agitated. Vernon kept trying to hurry his wife and complaining that the last time he'd worn his tuxedo it fit him like a glove, whereas now it looked like a girdle promoted to the category of torture implement (of course he had forgotten that the last time he had worn his tuxedo had been during his wedding more that twenty years ago). Petunia ran to and fro pulling out her hair rollers, fetching more make up for Dudley and shouting at Vernon: "Patience, Darling! Our daughter has to be the most beautiful of them all to win over the prince". Dudley was slowly transforming into Harryet, wearing an unzipped dress and running away from his mother, who chased him holding some dangerous looking tongs and screaming: "Don't run away from Mummy, Diddums, it's just an eyelash curler!"

The only ones who seemed to keep their sanity in that madhouse were Harry and Sirius, both of whom had wisely decided to remain in the garden and stay out of the way.

About an hour later everyone was finally ready to go. Uncle Vernon, dressed in his too tight tuxedo, looked like a penguin that had swallowed a walrus. Dudley, covered in pink frills and bows, looked like a giant strawberry cake for a party of over two hundred guests... with a Shirley Temple wig on top of it. Aunt Petunia was wearing a brand new dress which, in her humble opinion, made her look very fashionable and stylish. However, independently of how 'in' a certain trend is, people with exaggeratedly long necks probably shouldn't wear giraffe print patterns.

Barely holding in his laughter, Harry said goodbye to his relatives and wished them luck, to which Mr. Dursley roared back:

"You better take care of our house! If we return to find even the slightest problem you'll get what's coming to you!"

As the white carriage drove down the road and out of sight, Harry plopped down onto a garden bench. That night the house was his and he could do whatever he wanted. _And what I want right now is..._

"Sherbet lemon?"

"Nah, I think I'd rather have an omelette and some-- Hey!" Harry interrupted himself when he realized that he wasn't alone in the garden. "Who are you?"

Sitting on the bench with him there was a very strange looking old man. He was wearing a white woollen sweater with a large silver A on the front, his blue eyes twinkled merrily from behind half-moon glasses, and his long white beard reached the end of his... tutu?! Yes, the old man was wearing a pink tulle tutu which stopped right above his bony knees, paired with sandals and thick orange socks. The old man had one hand extended towards Harry, offering a box of sherbet lemons to him; whilst his other hand, in which he held a wizard's wand wrapped in tinfoil with a glittery star stuck on the end, patted Sirius's head.

Harry was still trying to comprehend the fake fairy wings made of wire and paper that the old man wore on his back, when a spark suddenly came out of his wand hitting Sirius point-blank and turning him into a cat.

"Oops, sorry. I'm afraid the tinfoil causes disruptions in the magic and sometimes it sparks unexpectedly," the old man explained cheerfully. "It'll take but a moment to fix it."

After a few strange gestures and murmured words, the old man touched Sirius with his wand and...

*Poof!* Sirius was now an oriental rug.

*Poof!* A three-legged stool.

*Poof!* A bicycle.

*Poof!* A purple coloured toucan.

*Poof!* ...

"Enough! Enough! I'm perfectly fine like this!" Sirius was now an attractive black-haired man with grey eyes and some stubble on his chin. A very attractive man who, at that moment in time, was positioned in all-fours and completely naked.

Perfectly fine indeed.

"Let me at least summon some clothing for you."

"No! With your magical skills you'd probably wrap me in an inside-out cactus costume and prick me with all its needles. I'll just go grab something from the Dursleys," said Sirius entering the cottage.

"So, are you going to tell me who you are at some point or are you planning to sit here transforming things on accident for the rest of the evening?"

"Of course! I forgot to introduce myself in all the excitement! My name is Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, and I am your 'Fairy Godfather'. I know your deepest, most fond wish was attending the royal ball, so I'm here to make sure it happens."

"To be honest, I couldn't care less about the ball. I don't know the first thing about manners or etiquette and I don't know how to dance either. Furthermore, my only real wish is to live a quiet life."

"So I spent all my savings buying you invitations for nothing?! And what about the time I spent sprucing up my wand and crafting these cool fairy wings?!"

"So it seems. Anyway... what's with the wings, the wand, and the tutu?"

"Well, you see, I wanted to look more like-- Don't change the subject! You must go to the ball!"

("I'm sorry but I think that's the queen's line.")  
("I know, but it's also part of my dialogue. Check the script.")  
("Oh, you're right. Let's keep going, then.")

"Why would I have to go to the ball?"

"Because if your cousin does marry the prince, you'll never achieve that quiet life you dream about."

"Do you really think Dudley can seduce him?"

"We can't risk it. Imagine what the world would be like with that tyrant as a queen!"

"The old man is right, Harry. Plus it sounds like a fun adventure. Let's go to the ball!" added Sirius walking out of the cottage with a sandwich in his hands... and still fully naked.

"Didn't you go in there to get dressed?"

"Clothing! That's an excellent idea, my boy! You both need suits for the ball, my outfit is fancy enough already. I'll transfigure two of your uncle's suits," announced Albus excitedly. "We'll also need a carriage... I'll think of something. And we'll use your cousin's invite to get in, of course. Let's get to it!"

After an hour of crazily waving his wand (and destroying half the contents in the Dursleys home whilst he did it), Albus managed to shrink two of Vernon's suits to Sirius's and Harry's size. With some more waving he also transfigured a teapot into a carriage and four sugar cubes into four white horses.

"I really hope it won't rain on the way, or the horses might melt."

"Yeah, and the rain would leak into the carriage through the spout."

-_-_-

The ball was everything Petunia could ever had imagined and more. It was held in castle Hogwarts, the summer home of the royal family, and even though it took some time to get there it was definitely worth it. The hardwood floors inside the gigantic ballroom had been polished to a shine, the chandeliers hanging from the high ceilings were covered in magical lights, and the large picture windows overlooked the most beautiful gardens she had ever seen. The men were wearing their most elegant suits, the women wore colourful dresses, the orchestra up in the stage was the best of the time. Everything was perfect. Nothing was missing. Well... almost nothing:

"The prince! Somebody has kidnapped the prince!" a muscular young man dressed in the uniform of the castle's servants ran into the ballroom shouting loudly.

"Crabbe! What's going on?!"

"Well... I was driving... through the forest... and bang!... something hit my head... and there was a note... and... "

"Calm down, you idiot, and explain things in an understandable way!"

"Yes, your majesty. I was driving prince Draco through the forest. Then, suddenly someone hit my head and left me uncos... uncont... sleeping! When I woke up the prince was missing. There was only a ransom note which said: 'Goodbye, Father and Mother. I'm leaving.'"

"You moron! That's not a ransom note but a runaway letter!" screamed the king. "My little Draco ran away from home because we forced him to attend the ball. This is all your fault, Narcissa!"

"How dare you?! If you hadn't spoiled him so much now he wouldn't be making these kinds of scenes. You are both horrible drama queens!"

"Lucius, Narcissa, stop fighting. Right now your son is lost in the forest and someone must rescue him," intervened Severus.

"Don't fret, your majesties! I, great hero Gilderoy Lockhart, will save him!" announced a blond man shifting into a pose that he deemed 'heroic' but others had described as 'woman pregnant with triplets and suffering from lower back pain'. "Coachman! Where in the forest did the incident take place?!"

"Well... it happened just as we were driving down the shortcut."

"The Accursed Shortcut?!" exclaimed the king and queen worried.

"You are most definitely an idiot! That shortcut is extremely dangerous and infested with monsters!"

"You have to save my son, Gilderoy!" begged the king tearing up.

"I... you see, I..." suddenly the 'great hero' didn't seem quite as brave. "Your majesty, I... I just remembered that I... I am terribly allergic to forests! That's it! Yes, and... my horse's on the fritz! I mean... it's missing a horseshoe! No! All four of them! And... I already had another rescuing scheduled for tonight, and..." his babbled list of excuses became inaudible when Gilderoy all but ran out of the castle.

"I think we just lost our 'hero'," Severus pointed out.

"Oh, no! Who will help us now?" asked the king looking pointedly towards the door.

"Lulu, honey, do you expect some random hero to come by and volunteer?"

"Uh... no, that's silly. Sorry."

The king rose up to the stage and asked for everyone's attention. After explaining the problem to the guests, Lucius offered a reward for anyone who braved the Accursed Shortcut and rescued prince Draco. Seeing as there were no volunteers, he specified that it would be a SUBSTANTIAL reward; and when nobody spoke up, he reminded them that the heroic individual would also become known and admired across the whole kingdom. He was about to add to the offer a beach-front house, a cabinet full of china, and a fine silverware set (with a free house elf for the first ten calls!), when a shrill voice yelled from the back of the ballroom:

"My son Dudley will do it! He loves his country so much that he would gladly give his life to rescue the prince!"

"Petunia?" whispered Vernon. "What the blazes are you saying?"

"Hush, I have a plan."

Mr. Dursley was starting to wonder if following his wife's plans was the best idea, but that's because he didn't have an adventuring spirit, and you can't win if you don't play. At least that's what Petunia always said. Tonight, the woman's plans involved making her 'beloved son' take the role of Harryet permanently and pretending that 'Dudley' had died heroically whilst trying to rescue the prince. The royal family, moved by her son's sacrifice and trying to compensate the Dursleys for their tragic loss, would feel the need to reward them. _Maybe they'll make us nobility! And if someone does find the prince... they could marry him to the sister of the fallen hero!_

"But... isn't 'that' beside you a girl?" asked the king confusedly when the other guests moved away and he could finally see the woman who had spoken.

"Yes, your majesty. This is my daughter Harryet. Dudley couldn't attend the ball due to an upset stomach, unfortunately. And he was so excited about coming, too!"

"Then cheer up, lady, because your son Dudley is here!" announced one of the valets receiving people at the door. "Well, at least that's the name written in his invitation."

"Well, madam? Is that your son?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What will Petunia's answer be?
> 
> Will Harry have to go rescue the prince?
> 
> Will Draco manage to survive being lost in the forest until somebody rescues him?
> 
> What sort of monsters must be hiding in the Accursed Shortcut for everyone to be so scared of it?
> 
> And what are the rest of the characters in this crazy story doing? Will we learn more about them soon?
> 
> The answer to all of these questions, soon in your screens.

**Author's Note:**

> Throw your comments, suggestions, praise, booing and rotten tomatoes down there.  
(Uh... maybe skip the tomatoes, they'll get everything dirty.)


End file.
